[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”