[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
for all #parents out there
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.