Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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Every damn time
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.