Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Is this your resume?
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
Welcome to UPS!
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
“Stab him again”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?