Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I feel it
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If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I have a type: disappointing
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮![]()
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring