When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…