A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
IT’S-A ME,
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”