@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

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@ieatanddrink

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

@CynicalTherapi1

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

@nevernicethings

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

@_wendyb07

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@wolfpupy

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

@BoomBoomBetty

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.