“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult