Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
channeling her this year
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.