POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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i was baptized in a car wash
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.