Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else