trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
![]()
You Might Also Like
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
nyc:
![]()
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.