What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.