What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
tell em, edith-anne
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.