What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car