If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”