If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.