If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
In space, no one can hear…
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX