*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.