The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Ferrari squats
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!