A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you