“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao