Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.