Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy