Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I love twitter
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
britain’s three elite institutions
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once