Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Sharon I have some bad news
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.