Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

My dad teaching me to drive

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

You sure about that?

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.