If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
You Might Also Like
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool