Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind