whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
accurate
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York