when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
english majors be like furthermore
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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