when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.