[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.