Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!