[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Breaking news:
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.