[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Ah yes. The three genders
man: wait
time: no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day