My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.