My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
$3 #books
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”