@inpoliteco If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
@causticbob I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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@inpoliteco 
@LizHackett Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
@LorieGZ Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
@DartsBofficial Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
@HumanPog sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
@sofarrsogud 3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
@ArfMeasures OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
@Marlebean I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
@pharmasean Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
@HatfieldAnne Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.