I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Fries, not lies.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The asteroid..
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro