@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

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@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@LorieGZ

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

@HumanPog

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

@pharmasean

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

@HatfieldAnne

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.