If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
<- sleeps well with others
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.