My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.