We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.