I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
A Short Story.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
is frankincense just very honest incense?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
What my back needs
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set