Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Wait for it
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.