2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
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Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
God has left this place
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook