“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!