5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
58.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
sry
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”