I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?