[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.