I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.