Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
You Might Also Like
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?