Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup