Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Monday
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
when you don’t want to be too vague
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
When can I start eating bats again.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.