This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you