A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10