My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My Guy
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.