All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
why I oughta
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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.