I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You Might Also Like
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.