You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Yup….perfect score!
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.