I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you